Albus Dumbledore's Yuletide Cocktail Party
by Kazza
Summary: Rated PG13 for smutty but not explicit humour. Albus Dumbledore arranges a staff cocktail party and discovers that alcohol and bored staff are not a good mix. Response to the Knockturn Alley Dumbledore's Christmas Fun Challenge


Rated - M for smutty humour and inappropriate gifts 

Disclaimer - the world and characters of Harry Potter belong to far more talented and prettier people than me. I am just borrowing them for a little while, with no intention of infringing upon anyone's copyright.

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**Albus Dumbledore's Yuletide Cocktail Party**

by Kazza

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"Must I attend?" Severus Snape queried in his well-practiced slightly-put-upon-melodramatic-youngest-staff-member voice.

"Yes," Dumbledore smiled over his morning cup of tea, his stern tones belying the amusement twinkling in his eyes. "That act is not nearly as successful now, Severus, as it was when you were twenty-three." The Headmaster of Hogwarts School resumed reading the agenda for the staff meeting and pretended to ignore the scowling pout from the school Potions Master, who detested being reminded that his fortieth birthday was much closer than his thirty-fifth.

"Very well, Headmaster. I shall attend your Yuletide amusements," the snarled tones and unvoiced sigh told all the teachers at the staff meeting just how much Professor Snape detested the idea of amusement.

"Careful Snape, you might enjoy yourself. Can't have that, eh?" rumbled Professor Moody from his seat between Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick.

Most of the Professors at the table either glared at Moody or smiled sourly. The retired auror's welcome as the replacement for the detested Dolores Umbridge had been short lived. Moody hadn't been forgiven by his fellow staff since the fateful day that the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher had given Albus Dumbledore 'The Idea'. The Headmaster had made his annual suggestion that his staff "imbue more festive cheer when dealing with the students", to which Moody had replied, "Festive Cheer? Sounds like a bad cocktail." Inspired by the comment, Headmaster Dumbledore had begun arranging the first Staff Cocktail Party of his tenure.

"To ensure that all the staff are, I believe the current term is, 'engaging' in this celebration, each member of staff shall have a task to perform." Albus ignored the decided lack of enthusiasm on the faces of his staff and continued, "The tasks are not onerous and each staff member will be assigned only one task." Dumbledore waved his wand and a pile of brightly coloured Christmas Crackers appeared upon the table.

"Do we have to do this, Headmaster?" Professor Sinistra piped up from the chair nearest the door. "Christmas is so over-commercialised. It's tacky and boring! Couldn't we just have our usual Christmas meal and leave it at that?"

Dumbledore subjected Sinistra to his rank two 'I beg your pardon' twinkle-less gaze, then said, "I shall ignore those comments, Aurora, as you have had little rest since the midnight Astronomy class. The Cocktail Party is my choice for the staff celebration this year and as Headmaster it is my right to make to all attend. If any of you become Headmaster or Headmistress in future then you may dictate your own celebrations then."

"You do know that dictators usually end up deposed or turn out to be big softies pretending to be dictators?" Hooch quipped merrily. Before Dumbledore could reply, the Flying teacher grabbed a cracker from the pile and turned to face her neighbour at the table.

"Give this a pull, V."

Professor Vector laughed, "You are terrible!" Vector grabbed the other end of the cracker and pulled it as hard as she could but the very fit flying teacher pulled her end of the cracker even harder. The brightly coloured cracker exploded into a mini-fireworks display. A small card floated out and landed in front of Hooch on the table.

Hooch peeked at the card, grimaced slightly and tried to pass it to Vector; "You have it. I'll get another."

"The crackers are non-transferable," Albus said quietly. He looked down at the parchment in front of him and noticed the words 'Madam Hooch' had appeared by the task of 'gift co-ordinator'. The Headmaster chuckled silently, the task assignments had barely started and already this Christmas was promising to be highly amusing.

With the ice broken it took only moments for more of the teachers to choose a cracker. Albus watched with growing amusement as Moody and McGonagall both tried to lose their cracker-pull. Flitwick and Sprout pulled two crackers in quick succession and both appeared quite relieved with the result. Vector pulled another cracker with Hooch and sighed with relief when she read the card. Hagrid wrenched Sybill Trelawney off her feet with the strength of his attack on the cracker; Albus was not surprised that Trelawney pulled a second cracker with Sprout although the Divination teacher did not appear to be pleased with her assigned task.

Soon there were only two people left to receive their tasks and, from the lacklustre way they were not pulling their crackers, it would be some time before Snape and Sinistra received their tasks. The Slytherins were barely holding the ends of the cracker and were acting as if the cracker's brightly coloured exterior was somehow contagious.

"Stop behaving like a pair of first years facing a flobberworm," Moody growled. "Give it a pull."

"Yes, come on, Severus." Hooch added. "You're a single man. You must know how to give it a pull."

"Madam Hooch!" McGonagall glared primly at the decidedly not repentant Quidditch referee.

"Oh, very subtle and ladylike," Sinistra sniped in a voice that dripped sarcasm. Unfortunately she was paying too much attention to Hooch and not enough to Snape, who had decided that pulling the cracker hard was the best way to save face.

The cracker exploded in a burst of tiny fireworks just as Sinistra landed heavily across Snape's lap. Even Minerva McGonagall was smirking, ever so slightly, by the time the small Astronomy Professor pushed herself to her feet. She grabbed the last cracker, shoved it towards Hooch and said, "Pull this."

Hooch obliged and quickly the last task on the parchment had a name against it. A few moments later, after the Headmaster had outlined a few basic rules for completing the tasks, the meeting disbanded. An extremely angry and embarrassed Severus Snape was the first person out the door in a herd of teachers.

Albus Dumbledore glanced at the list as he rose from his chair. His Yuletide Cocktail Party was either going to be a resounding success or a complete disaster; either way it wouldn't be forgotten.

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"Can Dobby help the Professor?"

"I do not need your help."

"But the decorations is all wrong." Dobby wrung his tiny hands and looked up at the boughs of Holly adored with large, deadly looking spikes. "Dobby can fix it."

"There is nothing wrong with the decorations!" Snape snapped at the house elf. Secretly Snape knew that he'd made a mistake in the conjuring spell but he wasn't about to admit that to a house elf.

"Can Dobby fix the mistletoe?" The house elf said quietly.

"There is nothing wrong with the mistletoe. Go away!" Snape glared imperiously down at the little house elf until Dobby decided it was best to leave.

Snape smirked. There was a lot wrong with the mistletoe but he wasn't going to fix it. Every year the female staff of Hogwarts tried to 'save' Severus from his 'lonely bachelorhood' by catching him under the magical mistletoe. This year they'd be disappointed as the 'mistletoe' was his own creation guaranteed to keep well meaning or amorous women well away from him with it's stinking odour.

The Potions Master surveyed the decorations - black ribbons entwined with the spiked holly hung heavily around the room; a silver star, his sole concession to Dumbledore's liking for sparkling things, glinted dully above the fireplace; and the black and green mistletoe floated malevolently in a corner.

Yes, the decorations were complete and all was right in Severus Snape's dark world.

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The day of the party had finally arrived. Albus walked jauntily down the hallway. Tonight he was almost free of responsibilities. The students had been sent home for Christmas, even Harry Potter had left to spend the Yule Holidays at The Burrow. Only four students, three Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw, remained at Hogwarts and they were being entertained at a tea party hosted by Madam Pomfrey, Filch, the Fat Friar and the Grey Lady.

Even Tom Riddle and his band of mask wearing friends were quiet at the moment; presumably Lord Voldemort didn't want the hassle of baby-sitting the mini-Death Eaters who were on holiday while their parents were out organising mayhem and madness.

Albus's imagination was brimming with amusing images of Voldemort entertaining a group of first year students with card tricks when he reached the room where the Yuletide Cocktail Party had just started. The Headmaster knocked on the door and, as required under the rules, Santa opened the door to admit him.

"Ho, ho, ho," said Santa primly. "Merry Christmas."

"Minerva, you make a most elegant Santa," said Albus merrily; conspicuously ignoring Santa's expression of prim annoyance. "Merry Christmas to you too."

"Have a hat," Moody's voice rumbled in Albus's ear before the Headmaster's hat was removed and a party hat was roughly shoved on his head.

"Oh, thank you Alistair." Albus turned to look at Moody and blinked monetarily blinded by the bright flash from Sinistra's camera. When the Albus's vision cleared he admired the hat adorning Moody's head. It was a green wizard's hat decorated with Christmas baubles that flashed in various colours and patterns. "Very creative hats, Alistair."

"Thanks." Moody said gruffly, the baubles on his hat flashed into the shape of a Christmas tree then returned to their twinkling.

Albus smiled merrily at the other teachers in the room, all of who were adorned with flashing party hats including a pair of annoyed Slytherins, which explained Sinistra's eyesight zapping photography. Then Albus inspected the room itself; the wall decorations, which could only have been created by Snape, clashed with the cloyingly cute, cherub-encrusted table decorations that Professor Sprout had made. The bar, which looked suspiciously like a washstand from one of the unused bathrooms on the fifth floor, was cluttered with brightly coloured glasses of different shapes, sizes and fluorescence.

"Sutekh's Revenge?" Hooch pushed a black, smoking cocktail in a glass decorated with scarabs towards Albus. "I can go get another."

"No, thank you, Rolanda. I shall see what else Filius has concocted first." Albus skillfully made his way towards the tiny Charms Professor, who was busily conjuring cocktails while consulting '1001 Charms to Make Your Party Party'.

"Darn." Behind Albus Hooch shrugged, took a sip of the lethal looking drink and coughed. "Mmm, licorice." She sipped some more, her last minute task of putting name tags on the last few small gifts she'd bought disappearing out of her mind under the onslaught of one of the wizarding world's strongest cocktails on her brain cells. Suddenly Rolanda had the urge to dance and she ran to the Headmaster, grabbing him by the waist. Albus gave in, surprisingly quickly, to being waltzed around the room by a much younger woman.

Meanwhile, Filius Flitwick was having the most fun he'd had all year at the bar the house elves had found from somewhere. Brightly coloured cocktails were being consumed enthusiastically by many of the staff. Filius gave a tiny giggle as his latest victim, the Potions Master, made his way towards the bar.

"Which would you prefer, Severus?" Filius pointed to the three cocktails that remained on the countertop, awaiting their chance to be next in Filius's magical party game.

"A Golden Snitch?" Flitwick pointed to a small glass filled with a fluorescent yellow, vodka-laden concoction, which was enhanced with giggle charm. "A Filibuster?" The Ravenclaw Housemaster pushed forward a tall multi-coloured drink that fizzed and popped dramatically, it's musical burping charm waiting patiently to be consumed. "Or would you prefer a Gilly Water Spritzer?" The final cocktail was a mild tasting, barely alcoholic cocktail, which Snape grabbed before he prowled off across the room.

The Charms Professor giggled mischievously and watched the Potions Master begin to consume the drink containing Filius's favourite party-fun charm. Filius was so engrossed in watching Snape that he missed the moment when Sybill Trelawney's nose turned red and reindeer horns appeared on her head.

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Hagrid was trying to sober everyone up a little by offering some of the food he'd created. But the teachers were avoiding the Stoat Sandwiches and Rock Cakes. Vector sidled up to Hagrid and reached up to tap him on the elbow.

"Having fun in the sun?" Vector rhymed up at him.

"Maybe ye should give 'em the Headmaster's gifts?" Hagrid looked around the room filled with burping, dancing, and yodelling teachers. "Gifts calm down t' magical creatures."

"Madam Hooch was wrapping then, but labelled only some," Vector rhymed, around a mouthful of bright green cocktail. "I don't know who they're for. If only she'd sober a little more." They both looked over at Rolanda Hooch who was half snoozing in a chair, her head resting on Professor Sprout's shoulder as the herbology teacher sat waiting for her foot long fingernails to shrink.

"Well, jus' guess! Must I do everythin'? Can't you help?" The nagging charm that had been in Hagrid's drink was finally taking effect.

Vector looked up at the unusually bossy half-giant and nodded. "OK, son. Keep your beard on."

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Back at the bar, Albus had finally detached himself from the wandering hands of Rolanda Hooch and reached the bar.

"Ah, so these are your charming concoctions Filius." Dumbledore smiled at Flitwick. "I don't recall Party Charms being part of your role, although they certainly have 'broken the ice'."

Flitwick nodded distractedly.

Albus, curious about the lack of attention from his most scholarly teacher, turned to follow the line of Flitwick's gaze. Filius Flitwick was watching Professor Snape who was standing completely still and twitching.

"What did you do, Filius?" The Headmaster's voice had lost its lighthearted tone.

"Just a mild verbal compulsion charm, Albus." Filius's eyes widened as someone called the attention of Snape.

"What sort of compulsion charm?" The Headmaster's question remained answered by the actions of the potions master who turned on his heel and blurted out a question.

"Will you marry me?" shouted Severus. The room fell silent then most of the teachers began to giggle, laugh or wait for the response.

"Sorry, Sev," replied Moody, "But I like my girls with a bit more meat on their bones." He saucily slapped Snape's backside then walked towards Flitwick. "This is all your doing, pipsqueak!" The ex-auror growled.

Flitwick's eyes opened wide and he tumbled off his chair. Moody was leaning over the bar, wand at the ready to hex the charms teacher, when Vector loudly announced, "Gift time! Gotta rhyme."

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Dumbledore's instructions had been to buy mildly amusing, personal but not embarrassing gifts suggested by various members of staff. If the packet of giant condoms and map of Beaubattons that Hagrid was hurriedly hiding under coat was anything to go by, then Rolanda Hooch had an unusual idea of what was 'not embarrassing' and a one-track mind.

The Headmaster's fears were soon realised as each gift opened proved to be either an exercise in innuendo or quite blatant in it's intent. Vector had received an edition of Playwitch, Minerva's gift was a bottle of potion used to invigorate old cats, Moody received a calendar of witches posing nude for charity with their floo addresses scrawled on the back cover in Hooch's handwriting. The embarrassing gifts continued until only the three unmarked gifts remained.

"This gift is for you," Moody, who had been co-opted to look at the presents before handing them out, pushed the first of three gifts marked with at Professor Snape. "It comes from Flitwick," he lied.

Snape tried to hide the gift but the compulsion charm that made all the gifts demand to open them and Snape found he had a handful of women's Christmas lingerie. The potions master's eyelid twitched, then he said, "Thank you, Filius, for sharing your secret hoard of stolen washing with me."

Flitwick, who was now hiding behind the bar, squeaked, "I didn't! I don't! That's not mine."

Snape smirked and slid the underwear into his pocket. His thoughts momentarily clouded with the thought that Hooch or Moody may have found out about his own stash of stolen women's lingerie but he dismissed the thought as foolishness.

Meanwhile Moody was assessing the second unmarked gift, which he passed to Sprout. The head of Hufflepuff House gingerly opened what turned out to be a bottle of industrial strength wand polish.

"Are you sure you've sorted these out properly?" Sprout asked Moody, she gazed pointedly at Snape.

"'course I have. I know what I'm doing." Moody irritably shoved the last gift at Sinistra. The small woman reluctantly tore apart the wrapping to reveal a thick booklet entitled "Grow Your Own Magical Aphrodisiacs".

"I'm sure that was meant for me," Sprout said firmly.

Sinistra smiled coldly and pocketed the booklet. She had plans for the booklet and, if she was successful, she might even get ownership of that lingerie.

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It took seven house elves and four hours to get the teachers back to their rooms, clean up the mess and remove the decorations. It took two days for the charms and magical hangovers to go away. It took weeks for the embarrassment to fade from some of the teachers' faces and nearly two months until Filius Flitwick was forgiven by everyone, excluding Snape who wouldn't forgive anyone.

All in all, Albus Dumbledore considered it one of the best Christmas functions he'd ever had at Hogwarts.

----------- The End -----------

This is a response to the Knockturn Alley "Dumbledore's Christmas Fun Challenge" which asked for a 500 words (minimum) story to be finished by 31 December 2004. The requirements of the challenge were that it must include:  
A member of staff as Santa Claus;  
Giving of some interesting presents;  
Someone proposing while full of the 'Christmas spirit;  
Mistletoe;  
Some 'unusual' decorating. Either a spell gone wrong, or just Dumbledore's or Dobby's idea of good decorating;  
The line, 'Festive cheer sounds like a bad cocktail.' Or something along those lines;  
Someone talking about the over-commercialisation of Christmas;  
Crackers. Be creative;  
A magical game, could be exploding snap (I just wrote exploding Snape...), wizards chess, or one of your own imagination;  
A present going to the wrong person/ being taken the wrong way/ given under a false name (i.e., Harry giving Hermione a present and saying it's from Ron). Bonus points for all three.


End file.
